Yep, come Saturday, I will be 26. That's kinda a big number. o.o It's not as bad as 25, though. 25 was really depressing, because it's the first birthday where you can hear30 rumbling down the road. Now, at 26, I'm kinda used to its rumbling. It's still coming, but I've accepted my fate (on my good days).

Anyway, 26 is kinda momentous, and I was thinking about how I was at 16. 16 was a big birthday too. I wrote a little speech (now you know, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS). I got a promise ring. I prepared to face my junior year in high school, my best friend graduating, and watching my new-born little sister. I was pretty self-assured in what I would be doing for the rest of my life.

It's 10 years later now (Holy Squeak ... a whole decade), and I feel kind of funny looking back at who I was and thought I would become, compared to who I am now.

While I'm a very different person, I don't feel as if I've changed away from myself, but I feel like I've become more of myself.

I've been through a lot, these past ten years. I went to LCC where I learned not only the basics of music theory, history and all that other jazz, but where I learned that people could like me for myself - even love me for my oddity. I learned there that if people don't like me, it's not because there's something wrong with me. This was a very healing process from a lot of scars in my childhood. It was the first step towards accepting myself for who God called me to be, instead of trying to change myself into somebody else.

I also met an entire new circle of friends who not only embraced weirdness and oddity, they reveled in it. I learned that being strange is not something that you need to hide, it's something to bring out into the open! Rejoice in your weird humor, laugh heartily, let your imagination run wild! Thank you, Shannon and Lisa and Bethany. I learned so much from you. You guys taught me to find joy, and run after laughter.

From Lisa, I began to learn to respond to people in a loving manner. I learned to like hugs, and leaning on my friends. I had never really been a big "touchy" person - something that had been missing in my life. Lisa, you taught me so much, and were a huge part of my healing. Your admiration taught me that I'm more than an outcast, that I am worth something. It also kept me from making stupid mistakes, because I wanted to be a good example to you. Thank you, my twin.

When I went to the U of O, my life got turned upside down again. Instead of the love and acceptance I had learned to expect at LCC, I found professors who were completely dis-attached from their students. Because I was homeschooled, I was looked down on, and treated like yesterday's dirty laundry. Because I was different, I was ignored. Because I was a Christian, I was told I couldn't be a teacher. This was a very miserable three years for me. I learned to stick to my own path, and tough things out. I learned that although there *was* nothing wrong with me, that didn't mean I would be universally loved and accepted either. I learned that if people don't like you, you can't change that. I learned about depression first-hand.

At this time, I also started questioning some of the things I believed. I wondered if the road through life really was as narrow as I thought it was.

It wasn't all bad, though. I had an internet connection now, and found a wonderful online home at WR. Although the website is down now, and we've scattered, I always remember the friends I made there, the fun stuff we did, the HQS's, the jokes, the stories ... I really miss them. Thanks, guys. You guys got me through a lot. I miss you. ^_^ </3

At this time, I also got into drawing. Thanks, my twin. ^_^ Drawing has been such a huge motivator for change in my life. It's broadened my horizons, my options, who I am and what I think. What I watch, and what I accept. If I hadn't gotten into drawing, I would not be HERE, I would not watch anime, read manga, or play video games - I'd be productive! Oh, just kidding. XD But seriously, drawing is now such a huge part of my life. I quit once, because I was having just a miserable time, and a strong crit came at the wrong time. It was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. Nya ha~ But I came back. ^_^ I'm still drawing, and it's something I plan to use.


I also experienced immense heartbreak these past ten years, although that was more recent.
While all of these many things have changed me, that heartbreak is what has changed me the most. God is so good. His will reaches beyond our imperfections, our mistakes and shortcomings, and fashions them to His purpose for goodness and joy in our lives. Of course, if you had told me that at the time, I would have looked at you under lowered brows and growled, then probably started bawling again. Ha ha! Walkin' through death really changes a person though. I know - I know - who my Redeemer is. I also know how incapable and helpless I am outside of His hands. But He is so wonderful, so awesome, so AMAZING ... I don't have to walk without Him! And His reach is everywhere!

I learned that I am *not* perfect - that actually, I kinda suck. But I also learned that God's forgiveness is totally complete. He loves me - ME! (Go figure). I learned that I can't screw up my life to the point that He can't fix it (for that point, neither can my friends! Yay!). No matter how far I run away, the second I turn back, He's there, and He's got it under control. Following Him is the biggest, scariest, most exciting, rewarding adventure I will ever get to do - and I get to do it for ALWAYS. How cool is that?! Ha!

When I was 16, I was a Christian, I knew who God was, I knew how to Do Things the Right Way. I had my life planned out, and was going to Serve God. I'm now 26. I'm a messed up girl who is wholly forgiven, and wholly in love with Jesus. I understand that I don't know what I'm doing, but grace covers where I screw up. God has a plan, and even when I don't like it, understand it, or wanna do it, it's the best plan. Now I serve Him because I am *so in love* with Jesus, there is no greater joy than to obey Him - even when the task is icky.

When I was 16, I knew where I was going.

Now I'm 26, I have no idea where I'm going, but He does. And that's all that matters. ^_^


I've met so many people over these years who have challenged me, changed me, and loved me. Thank you so much, to all of you, Vis, Koori, Thundie, Mince, DL, Rayk, nii-san, PG-san, Joe-chan. Thank you my twin, Shani, Hannah, Bethany.

Thank you, my Shani for sticking things out with me even though things have never been ideal, and frequently have sucked. I have learned so much from you. I am so grateful for the love you show me daily, and the tolerance you give me. ^_^ <3

~Istra~